Casket Beer Guide to Dive Bars

View of the bar at the infamous, and now shuttered Mars Bar in New York City. Image source: Yelp.

Right out of the gates, an article about dive bar food is problematic. In its purest form, a dive bar has no food. I started thinking about this after reading a recent VinePair post ranking dive bar “bites”. Realizing I have a lot of pent-up thoughts about dive bars after years of reading write-ups that don’t seem to align with my vision of them, I decided to prepare this guide.

From the Street

On the outside, a dive bar shouldn’t seem too inviting. In fact, its appearance should make you question whether the place is even open. Windows should be small or obstructed in some way to shield potentially nefarious behavior from the outside. Graffiti, stickers, and other items likely adorn the facade with little concern from the owners about how the place appears.

There may be a neon sign in the window for a brewery. It may even be a smaller, local-ish brewery, leading you to think there might be some fancy beer inside. Don’t be fooled by this.

Walking In

It can be a bit of a crapshoot walking into a dive bar. Assessing the room, you should notice at least one person who is on the verge of throwing up or having an overdose. Most patrons are regulars that often feel like they’re a family, and you’ve just entered their home.

Depending on when you’re catching them on their daily journey, you might get some unwelcoming stares. This could indicate it’s time to turn around and leave, or maybe you’ll just be doing a one-and-done. If you stay, use caution, but don’t let it make you think that you may not ultimately be accepted.

Alternatively, a new face might be warmly welcomed as dive bar regulars sometimes get bored of each other. Further, don’t be so concerned about your appearance. One of the beauties of a great dive bar is the acceptance of all kinds of people as long as they’re in it for a good time.  

Ordering a Drink

You should have cash at a dive bar. Most good ones don’t take credit cards and don’t even know what Apple Pay is. Further, they likely don’t have an ATM. And if they did, using it would be super risky as they’re an ideal target for thieves using skimmers to steal your account info.

Have realistic expectations about what is offered and don’t be put off by plastic cups. Glassware requires washing and sanitizing, and these tasks are not a priority at a dive.

Drinks are generally basic and limited. Keep it simple. Rum and Coke, Vodka Cranberry, and so on. A beer and a shot always work.

For beer, it’s best to avoid anything on draft, if they even have a draft system. The staff likely don’t realize that draft lines should be cleaned every couple of weeks, which leads to some very off-tasting beer. Stick to bottles and cans and expect Budweiser, Pabst, Miller, Corona, etc. There may also be some regional brands like Genny, Narragansett, Old Style, and Rainier.

Settling In

Read the room. If you’ve been welcomed by the crew, don’t be afraid to engage. If you’re not catching the warmest vibes, it’s best to be reserved. And remember, they’re a family. If you piss off one, you’re likely pissing off everyone in the joint.

Entertainment

Entertainment at a dive bar typically consists of drinking and conversation. There’s a chance there might be a jukebox of some sort. Don’t be afraid to use it. The selection is often already vetted by the staff and regulars. So, you likely can’t go wrong with what you pick. Further, they may appreciate you coughing up money to play some tunes for everyone to enjoy.

Fancier spots may also have a pool table. However, if that table is in decent condition, you may not be in a dive bar. Instead, you should expect warped cues, an incomplete set of balls that are chipped, an uneven table, and tears in the cloth.  

If there is a television, it should be a piece of shit and there should never be a time when a notable number of people care what’s on it.

Hungry?

Don’t come to a dive bar expecting to eat. It’s a drinking establishment. Having no food at all is the standard.

However, it may be possible to find a bowl of popcorn, pretzels, nuts, and the like. Additionally, there may be a rack of stale chips, usually at a very affordable price.

Fancier places may have a fryer, grill, and/or microwave. And if you’re brave enough to eat food prepared at a dive bar, you want it to be fried or nuked. But starting here, you’re beginning to cross a threshold toward a regular bar. With these, there are all kinds of additional permits, health code standards, etc. that are too much of a headache for a place where people just want to get fucked up.

Nonetheless, here you may be able to get fries, wings, a burger, or a hot dog. Tater tots might be acceptable, but could be a sign that you’re in a hipster-type dive bar.

There should be no vegetables on the premises. Nearly all ingredients should frozen or canned and require very little skill to prepare.

Further, a properly trained chef and any dish beyond what is mentioned above is more proof that you’re likely not in a dive bar. One should take no pride in the food that is served.

The Bathroom

The bathroom in a dive bar is used to go to the bathroom and to do drugs. That said, drugs may be openly consumed in some places.

The bathroom will be absolutely filthy and covered with graffiti, stickers, etc. If there is a toilet seat (don’t be surprised if there’s not), men will use their feet to lift the seat and to flush the toilet. For women, you will have to hover or cover the seat with toilet paper (a nest, as my wife says). However, there may not even be toilet paper. So, it might be good to go to the bar equipped with your own paper products.

Last call

Hours at a dive bar can vary greatly and can be inconsistent. A good one is open for most of the day. That’s part of their charm. Reliably being there for you, hassle-free, when you need a drink.

Keep all this in mind before heading into a dive bar and you may have some great times at one. You may even become part of the family, for better or worse.